Being a single dad can be fun, but a lot of times it is exhausting. After time in at work and time with the kids there’s not much me time. What me time I do get I utilize to the fullest to enjoy things that I like…that are my life.
However, with such a hectic itinerary I tend to make shopping a low priority. Besides dealing with my packed schedule, the fact that I dislike large “super center” stores and their U-Scan lanes contribute to this prioritizing of shopping.
So, with this dislike in my psyche, I came home one night earlier this week from a long day. Along the way I was the strategist in taking care of the evening’s proclaimed tasks before settling in for the night; drop off leftovers at work for lunch the next day and pick up a pair of movie tickets for friends so that they can enjoy a movie out on me for their 1st wedding anniversary.
I get home after my extended time on the road, and like any single dad ran to the bathroom to seek relief from road rumble on my bladder. When I enter, I notice it immediately…the item I subconsciously put on the low priority rung of the ladder. I was out of toilet paper. So, with a sigh, I resigned myself to go back out in the car and make the quick drive to the local “super center” to get bathroom tissue on rolls.
Late evening trips to the super center store are always a joy; searching 10 minutes for a parking spot, being held up at the entrance by some fool standing in the middle of the entranceway staring up at the ceiling like they are lost and have never been in a super center ever before in their lives. And don’t get me started on trying to get past people waddling in the middle of the aisle, pushing their shopping cart at a negative 2 MPH.
I get to the aisle with the toilet paper, grab a Charmin™ 12 pack of double roll size because it’s on sale, and spin to head towards the registers up front. It was on the way to check out that I had an unnerving experience.
Halfway up to the check out, a man turns into the aisle in front of me. At first I don’t pay attention and continue my stride. But as I continue to head up front a cascade of thoughts hit me as he’s walking in front of me. He has a green shirt on…just like mine. He’s wearing tan dress slacks…just like mine. And under his arm he is carrying a 12 pack double roll size package of bathroom tissue that is on sale…just like mine! And in that moment, I came to the realization that walking in front of me was MY TOILET PAPER SHOPPING DOPPELGANGER!!!
A warning light flashed in my mind. He and I were walking in perfect lockstep…like marching in formation in the infantry. My brain flashed back to Air Force Basic Training in San Antonio and my T.I. with the thick Mexican accent as he called off cadence while we did marching drills. He also used to tell us constantly to “keep yur choos pit chined” (Keep your shoes spit-shined) and to not take forever in the latrine in the morning when we went to “chit and chave” (obvious…do I need to translate?). Add the fact we had similar clothes on and both of us the same 12 pack of toilet paper under our left arm, and you have a weird visual.
This was too freaky of a coincidence for me to want to be affiliated with. People just can’t process seeing such an occurrence as this without jumping to some oddball opinion. I’m mimicking the guy in front of me. I’m lost and following him to lead me back to the parking lot. Or we’re a two-man space alien army from another planet come to deplete Earth of all its bathroom tissue. In less than a second my brain freaked out and put into effect a plan of evasive action…execute a bob, weave and navigate away.
I immediately ducked left through the pallet sale items in the middle of the main aisle, nearly knocking over a methodically and artistically stacked mountain of chicken noodle soup cans – something some employee took hours of his day to create. Unfortunately, the maneuver put me in the path of a large woman in a power chair nearly running me over.
I then took the long way to the checkouts, into the frozen foods, through produce, a quick trot through the cleaning products aisle where I find they actually carry the replacement bulbs for my lava lamp, up through produce and past the bakery. The U-Scan is up ahead and no sign of my doppelganger. Home free!
As I stand in line for the U-Scan, I notice a young woman looking at me and smiling. So I smile back. Then, she smiles even bigger. I begin to wonder if she is really smiling back at me or someone else? My brain tells me to turn around and look behind me. Right behind me in line is my toilet paper doppelganger, smiling back at the young woman.
Automatically, my eyes darted to the ground. Of course, my “choos were pit chined”.
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