The Intelligence challenged Internet troll

Before texting, Twitter, Facebook, MySpace and all the other ways people interconnected electronically, there was IM. Straight forward, unadulterated IM…Windows Messenger, Yahoo! Messenger, MSN, and the AIM. They are still around, but with all the social networking, texts, SMS messages and all, good old fashioned IM has faded from the stream of consciousness.

Old-fashioned IM has become more like having a published phone number…lots of solicitations. However, unlike the phone, people on IM aren’t trying to get you to switch your long distance service, sell you a magazine, or preach to you why you should vote for them in the upcoming election. Like the phone, though, there are the scam artists.

The newer chats in Facebook, MySpace and so on are more selective than old fashioned IM. On the newer social networking sites, only approved “friends” and chat you up so you don’t get scam artists. On the old IMs people you don’t even know pop up...trying to entice you into visiting a porn site or sending money to Nigeria because they are trapped there from some mishap in their life. IM scam artists, however, lack intelligence. Mostly they are people with limited smarts and even more diminished English language skills.

I’m a fairly smart guy. I know when I’m being scammed. And sometimes I love having fun with them. Like the old days of telephone solicitors that I used to record, edit, and have fun with as comical radio bits.

So, this morning, I was signed into Yahoo! Messenger and a unknown screen name popped up and me. Screen name “single.maggs”. First off, what type of person uses a period in their screen name? Numbers, yes. But a period? Very suspect. Must be an internet troll, one who is demonstrating limited intelligence in language and spelling skills with the first message to me being “helo dere”. So, like the telemarketer phone scams I used to do, I decided to have some fun. Here is how it went…

[09:39] single.maggs:
[09:39] single.maggs: helo dere
[09:39] mikeholder01: yes
[09:39] single.maggs: helo dere
[09:39] single.maggs: hi mike
[09:39] mikeholder01: yes?
[09:39] single.maggs: helo dere
[09:40] mikeholder01: hi. do I know you?
[09:40] single.maggs: how doing you?
[09:40] mikeholder01: how am i doing me? as carefully as possible.
[09:40] single.maggs: ok yes tak to me today?
[09:40] single.maggs:
[09:40] single.maggs: ty
[09:40] mikeholder01: yes?
[09:40] single.maggs: where from you are...name...age?

OK…already the ASL thing (age, sex, location). A red flag…clearly an internet troll of no intelligence and no mastery of English. Time to have some fun…

[09:41] mikeholder01: i'm on the planet earth, have no name and am ageless.
[09:42] single.maggs: what the mean of ageless
[09:42] single.maggs: tell me you nme
[09:42] single.maggs:
[09:42] single.maggs: are you still there
[09:42] single.maggs:
[09:43] mikeholder01: i'm on the planet earth, have no name and am ageless.
[09:43] single.maggs: ok
[09:43] single.maggs: where are u from
[09:43] mikeholder01: planet earth
[09:44] single.maggs: what is mean of planet earth
[09:44] mikeholder01: third planet in our solar system.
[09:44] single.maggs: where country ?
[09:44] mikeholder01: many countries on planet earth.
[09:45] single.maggs: ok
[09:45] single.maggs: what are you looking for a lady?
[09:45] single.maggs:
[09:46] single.maggs:
[09:46] single.maggs: are u there
[09:47] single.maggs:
[09:47] mikeholder01: yes i am here
[09:47] single.maggs: ok
[09:47] single.maggs: what are looking for a lady
[09:48] mikeholder01: something with horns...and maybe can speak venusian.
[09:48] single.maggs: ok
[09:48] single.maggs: tell me about you
[09:49] mikeholder01: they tell me they are female sheep
[09:49] single.maggs: what is the mean of female sheep
[09:50] mikeholder01: a you is a female sheep...oh right...it's spelled ewe they now tell me...
[09:51] single.maggs: ok
[09:51] single.maggs: how far
[09:51] mikeholder01: depends on the sheep
[09:51] single.maggs: ok
[09:51] single.maggs: what do u do right now
[09:52] mikeholder01: talk to you.
[09:52] single.maggs: ok
[09:52] single.maggs: what do u do for a living
[09:52] mikeholder01: and am dissecting a baby pig
[09:53] single.maggs:
[09:53] mikeholder01: yes?
[09:53] single.maggs: do u are cam
[09:53] mikeholder01: you keep saying . are you a doorbell?
[09:54] single.maggs: do u are cam or pix
[09:54] single.maggs:
[09:54] mikeholder01: the cam in my engine is fine. it's the crank that's cracked. is the pix a part on a engine?
[09:54] single.maggs: ok
[09:54] mikeholder01: i need to get it repaired so i can invade Uranus.
[09:54] single.maggs: can i see u on cam
[09:55] mikeholder01: i have to take it out of the motor first.
[09:55] mikeholder01: and that would leave my vehicle useless.
[09:55] single.maggs: ok
[09:55] mikeholder01: i need my vehicle to invade Uranus.
[09:55] single.maggs: ok
[09:56] single.maggs: am maggie my name\
[09:56] mikeholder01: hi maggie my name\
[09:56] single.maggs: ok
[09:56] mikeholder01: i am " ".
[09:56] single.maggs: what
[09:57] mikeholder01: no not "what"..." ".
[09:57] single.maggs: am single looking for a soulmate
[09:58] mikeholder01: i wish you well on your mission.
[09:58] single.maggs: ok
[09:58] mikeholder01: have you cleared you mission with the grand leader?
[09:59] single.maggs: what mission
[09:59] mikeholder01: your quest to search out a matching soul? he needs to authorize first before committing battle ready minions.
[10:01] mikeholder01: have you gone to seek out authorization? you are not communicating as before.
[10:01] single.maggs: ok
[10:01] single.maggs: u talk tommorrow
[10:02] mikeholder01: i speak uranian. what language is "tomorrow"?
[10:02] single.maggs: ok
[10:02] single.maggs: by
[10:03] mikeholder01: it is a dual sex language?
[10:04] mikeholder01: are you still on this channel? what's the frequency, kenneth?
[10:04] single.maggs: ok
[10:04] single.maggs: byb
[10:04] mikeholder01: what does “byb” mean? bring your body?
[10:04] single.maggs: yes
[10:04] mikeholder01: it means yes? "byb" means "yes"? what language is that? i am not familiar.
[10:06] *** "single.maggs" signed off.

Makes you miss the days of plain old IM, doesn't it?