The Toilet Paper Doppelganger

Being a single dad can be fun, but a lot of times it is exhausting. After time in at work and time with the kids there’s not much me time. What me time I do get I utilize to the fullest to enjoy things that I like…that are my life.

However, with such a hectic itinerary I tend to make shopping a low priority. Besides dealing with my packed schedule, the fact that I dislike large “super center” stores and their U-Scan lanes contribute to this prioritizing of shopping.

So, with this dislike in my psyche, I came home one night earlier this week from a long day. Along the way I was the strategist in taking care of the evening’s proclaimed tasks before settling in for the night; drop off leftovers at work for lunch the next day and pick up a pair of movie tickets for friends so that they can enjoy a movie out on me for their 1st wedding anniversary.

I get home after my extended time on the road, and like any single dad ran to the bathroom to seek relief from road rumble on my bladder. When I enter, I notice it immediately…the item I subconsciously put on the low priority rung of the ladder. I was out of toilet paper. So, with a sigh, I resigned myself to go back out in the car and make the quick drive to the local “super center” to get bathroom tissue on rolls.

Late evening trips to the super center store are always a joy; searching 10 minutes for a parking spot, being held up at the entrance by some fool standing in the middle of the entranceway staring up at the ceiling like they are lost and have never been in a super center ever before in their lives. And don’t get me started on trying to get past people waddling in the middle of the aisle, pushing their shopping cart at a negative 2 MPH.

I get to the aisle with the toilet paper, grab a Charmin™ 12 pack of double roll size because it’s on sale, and spin to head towards the registers up front. It was on the way to check out that I had an unnerving experience.

Halfway up to the check out, a man turns into the aisle in front of me. At first I don’t pay attention and continue my stride. But as I continue to head up front a cascade of thoughts hit me as he’s walking in front of me. He has a green shirt on…just like mine. He’s wearing tan dress slacks…just like mine. And under his arm he is carrying a 12 pack double roll size package of bathroom tissue that is on sale…just like mine! And in that moment, I came to the realization that walking in front of me was MY TOILET PAPER SHOPPING DOPPELGANGER!!!

A warning light flashed in my mind. He and I were walking in perfect lockstep…like marching in formation in the infantry. My brain flashed back to Air Force Basic Training in San Antonio and my T.I. with the thick Mexican accent as he called off cadence while we did marching drills. He also used to tell us constantly to “keep yur choos pit chined” (Keep your shoes spit-shined) and to not take forever in the latrine in the morning when we went to “chit and chave” (obvious…do I need to translate?). Add the fact we had similar clothes on and both of us the same 12 pack of toilet paper under our left arm, and you have a weird visual.

This was too freaky of a coincidence for me to want to be affiliated with. People just can’t process seeing such an occurrence as this without jumping to some oddball opinion. I’m mimicking the guy in front of me. I’m lost and following him to lead me back to the parking lot. Or we’re a two-man space alien army from another planet come to deplete Earth of all its bathroom tissue. In less than a second my brain freaked out and put into effect a plan of evasive action…execute a bob, weave and navigate away.

I immediately ducked left through the pallet sale items in the middle of the main aisle, nearly knocking over a methodically and artistically stacked mountain of chicken noodle soup cans – something some employee took hours of his day to create. Unfortunately, the maneuver put me in the path of a large woman in a power chair nearly running me over.

I then took the long way to the checkouts, into the frozen foods, through produce, a quick trot through the cleaning products aisle where I find they actually carry the replacement bulbs for my lava lamp, up through produce and past the bakery. The U-Scan is up ahead and no sign of my doppelganger. Home free!

As I stand in line for the U-Scan, I notice a young woman looking at me and smiling. So I smile back. Then, she smiles even bigger. I begin to wonder if she is really smiling back at me or someone else? My brain tells me to turn around and look behind me. Right behind me in line is my toilet paper doppelganger, smiling back at the young woman.

Automatically, my eyes darted to the ground. Of course, my “choos were pit chined”.

The Intelligence challenged Internet troll

Before texting, Twitter, Facebook, MySpace and all the other ways people interconnected electronically, there was IM. Straight forward, unadulterated IM…Windows Messenger, Yahoo! Messenger, MSN, and the AIM. They are still around, but with all the social networking, texts, SMS messages and all, good old fashioned IM has faded from the stream of consciousness.

Old-fashioned IM has become more like having a published phone number…lots of solicitations. However, unlike the phone, people on IM aren’t trying to get you to switch your long distance service, sell you a magazine, or preach to you why you should vote for them in the upcoming election. Like the phone, though, there are the scam artists.

The newer chats in Facebook, MySpace and so on are more selective than old fashioned IM. On the newer social networking sites, only approved “friends” and chat you up so you don’t get scam artists. On the old IMs people you don’t even know pop up...trying to entice you into visiting a porn site or sending money to Nigeria because they are trapped there from some mishap in their life. IM scam artists, however, lack intelligence. Mostly they are people with limited smarts and even more diminished English language skills.

I’m a fairly smart guy. I know when I’m being scammed. And sometimes I love having fun with them. Like the old days of telephone solicitors that I used to record, edit, and have fun with as comical radio bits.

So, this morning, I was signed into Yahoo! Messenger and a unknown screen name popped up and me. Screen name “single.maggs”. First off, what type of person uses a period in their screen name? Numbers, yes. But a period? Very suspect. Must be an internet troll, one who is demonstrating limited intelligence in language and spelling skills with the first message to me being “helo dere”. So, like the telemarketer phone scams I used to do, I decided to have some fun. Here is how it went…

[09:39] single.maggs:
[09:39] single.maggs: helo dere
[09:39] mikeholder01: yes
[09:39] single.maggs: helo dere
[09:39] single.maggs: hi mike
[09:39] mikeholder01: yes?
[09:39] single.maggs: helo dere
[09:40] mikeholder01: hi. do I know you?
[09:40] single.maggs: how doing you?
[09:40] mikeholder01: how am i doing me? as carefully as possible.
[09:40] single.maggs: ok yes tak to me today?
[09:40] single.maggs:
[09:40] single.maggs: ty
[09:40] mikeholder01: yes?
[09:40] single.maggs: where from you are...name...age?

OK…already the ASL thing (age, sex, location). A red flag…clearly an internet troll of no intelligence and no mastery of English. Time to have some fun…

[09:41] mikeholder01: i'm on the planet earth, have no name and am ageless.
[09:42] single.maggs: what the mean of ageless
[09:42] single.maggs: tell me you nme
[09:42] single.maggs:
[09:42] single.maggs: are you still there
[09:42] single.maggs:
[09:43] mikeholder01: i'm on the planet earth, have no name and am ageless.
[09:43] single.maggs: ok
[09:43] single.maggs: where are u from
[09:43] mikeholder01: planet earth
[09:44] single.maggs: what is mean of planet earth
[09:44] mikeholder01: third planet in our solar system.
[09:44] single.maggs: where country ?
[09:44] mikeholder01: many countries on planet earth.
[09:45] single.maggs: ok
[09:45] single.maggs: what are you looking for a lady?
[09:45] single.maggs:
[09:46] single.maggs:
[09:46] single.maggs: are u there
[09:47] single.maggs:
[09:47] mikeholder01: yes i am here
[09:47] single.maggs: ok
[09:47] single.maggs: what are looking for a lady
[09:48] mikeholder01: something with horns...and maybe can speak venusian.
[09:48] single.maggs: ok
[09:48] single.maggs: tell me about you
[09:49] mikeholder01: they tell me they are female sheep
[09:49] single.maggs: what is the mean of female sheep
[09:50] mikeholder01: a you is a female sheep...oh right...it's spelled ewe they now tell me...
[09:51] single.maggs: ok
[09:51] single.maggs: how far
[09:51] mikeholder01: depends on the sheep
[09:51] single.maggs: ok
[09:51] single.maggs: what do u do right now
[09:52] mikeholder01: talk to you.
[09:52] single.maggs: ok
[09:52] single.maggs: what do u do for a living
[09:52] mikeholder01: and am dissecting a baby pig
[09:53] single.maggs:
[09:53] mikeholder01: yes?
[09:53] single.maggs: do u are cam
[09:53] mikeholder01: you keep saying . are you a doorbell?
[09:54] single.maggs: do u are cam or pix
[09:54] single.maggs:
[09:54] mikeholder01: the cam in my engine is fine. it's the crank that's cracked. is the pix a part on a engine?
[09:54] single.maggs: ok
[09:54] mikeholder01: i need to get it repaired so i can invade Uranus.
[09:54] single.maggs: can i see u on cam
[09:55] mikeholder01: i have to take it out of the motor first.
[09:55] mikeholder01: and that would leave my vehicle useless.
[09:55] single.maggs: ok
[09:55] mikeholder01: i need my vehicle to invade Uranus.
[09:55] single.maggs: ok
[09:56] single.maggs: am maggie my name\
[09:56] mikeholder01: hi maggie my name\
[09:56] single.maggs: ok
[09:56] mikeholder01: i am " ".
[09:56] single.maggs: what
[09:57] mikeholder01: no not "what"..." ".
[09:57] single.maggs: am single looking for a soulmate
[09:58] mikeholder01: i wish you well on your mission.
[09:58] single.maggs: ok
[09:58] mikeholder01: have you cleared you mission with the grand leader?
[09:59] single.maggs: what mission
[09:59] mikeholder01: your quest to search out a matching soul? he needs to authorize first before committing battle ready minions.
[10:01] mikeholder01: have you gone to seek out authorization? you are not communicating as before.
[10:01] single.maggs: ok
[10:01] single.maggs: u talk tommorrow
[10:02] mikeholder01: i speak uranian. what language is "tomorrow"?
[10:02] single.maggs: ok
[10:02] single.maggs: by
[10:03] mikeholder01: it is a dual sex language?
[10:04] mikeholder01: are you still on this channel? what's the frequency, kenneth?
[10:04] single.maggs: ok
[10:04] single.maggs: byb
[10:04] mikeholder01: what does “byb” mean? bring your body?
[10:04] single.maggs: yes
[10:04] mikeholder01: it means yes? "byb" means "yes"? what language is that? i am not familiar.
[10:06] *** "single.maggs" signed off.

Makes you miss the days of plain old IM, doesn't it?