Do we really know everything?

It seems that we always have the right answers. However, it also seems we don’t use them to make the right decisions.

The previous stream of semi-conscious thought came on me this weekend like the first pain you feel when you realize you have a bad sunburn. And it gave me revelation, an epiphany of sorts.

It spawned from a conversation I had with my kids in the car on the way home from school Friday. The elder twin Jason needs to pass a test in Central and South America geography in order to “graduate” to 7th grade. So I started quizzing capitals of countries.

“What’s the capital of Argentina?” I fired.

“Buenos Aries.” He replied.

“Panama?”

“Panama City.”

“Nicaragua?”

A slight pause, “Ummm….Manyana?”

I smirked, “Close, but no cigar. Managua. The capital of Peru?”

Now Jason was stumped. You could see the cogs of his mind grinding away like someone trying to shift a manual 5-speed transmission into 1st gear without depressing the clutch.

“Lima.” I revealed, after seeing enough facial contortion from Jason racking his brain before I lost self-control and began to laugh out loud.

“I knew that!” Jason retorted, as if to imply I hadn’t given him enough time to answer. Hey, you only get 10 seconds to answer on Jeopardy. I gave him nearly 20.

From my view, the state of everything lately has become a big realization that we all knew the answers but failed to apply them. There’s the credit crisis of extending more than what people could pay off, then Washington bailing them out with a little “nod, nod, wink, wink”. Then the automotive sector gloom and doom. We keep saying we knew the answers, yet we still are in this mess.

Banks were overextending credit back in the mid to late 1920s that people couldn’t pay back. And anyone who paid attention in American History class knows what happened back then. Not to say things are as bad as during the Great Depression…yet. But things are pretty screwed up economically right now.

As a kid in school I remember several teachers over the years say the same quote, “As GM goes, so goes the nation.” Growing up in the Detroit area you were aware of GM’s standing in the economic stream; the number one corporation in the world. Yet the same cats in Washington that swooped in to save the financial sector are balking at the same swooping in to save the auto industry.

The reality is that we as a planet have progressed beyond any stretch of the imagination in just the past 150 years. Photography, telephony, motion pictures, recorded audio, video, satellites, computers, the Internet, breakthroughs in health and science and space exploration have been the meteoric rise of progress we have all seemed to grow accustomed to. Hell, we even have radio-controlled cars and battery powered toothbrushes! The rub it seems is that we can’t come up with a solution to keep things moving forward without backsliding every so often.

Part of backsliding is obsolescence that progress brings. The cotton gin did away with the hundreds of man-hours to separate cottonseed from raw cotton fibers. Slide rules met their maker with the advent of the hand-held electronic scientific calculator. And of course, digital audio recording, delivery and storage made boom boxes so passé. Everybody has their iPods now…even me. Too bad that hasn’t affected those “thump rides” that vibrate the entire house at 3 AM when they drive by…sometimes so much the windows rattle.

However, this is not the case across the board. Television didn’t cripple the movie industry like they said it would in the 1950s. Wendy’s hasn’t put Burger King out of business. And when I cook on the grill, I still prefer charcoal over LP gas.

I lived an adventurous life. One far from perfect, I had to climb and scrap for a lot of footing I’ve gained over the years…learning a lot of things by trial and error. Not listening to parental advice, making bad choices, relationships, fatherhood and divorce. But since I’ve been through all that life experience knowledge from the School of Hard Knocks, I have no excuse to not know the answers to the tough questions I have right now. Do I pursue a relationship with a woman again? Do I take on new creative projects that are a bit outside my current platforms? Do I switch to boxers from briefs?

By George, this could be the breakthrough I’ve been looking for all these years!...

…or maybe not.

Being single can suck

This past Tuesday marked the third anniversary of my return to single-dom…if that’s even a word. Not a momentous occasion by any stretch of the imagination.

There are no greeting cards for the anniversary of becoming single again. I could just see one in my mind’s eye, sitting in the rack in the card aisle at Meijer. The outside: “Happy Anniversary on being single…” Inside: “…LOSER!” You don’t get a cake, either, though you should. One of those Bill Knapps chocolate cakes with decorative frosting on top depicting a forehead with the universal thumb-and-forefinger at 90-degrees sign. You could market that and it would probably be a hot seller.

Best that one celebrating one’s anniversary of single-ness can do is go out and get drunk. Fortunately, this past Tuesday was St. Patrick’s Day. Which makes my anniversary of single-dom an international holiday where drinking is the acceptable celebratory behavior around the global community. Unfortunately, I had to do the radio thing the next morning and be as always sharp on my game, so the usual Bloody Mary was out. Thus my invention – the non-alcoholic Bloody Mary. Red Bull and V-8. Red Bull for that extra kick to get you started on an early morning after a night of straight shots of Irish whiskey…V-8 to help keep you regular through those same whiskey shots. Yummy.

After the morning show I like to go outside and decompress by watching the squirrels that live behind the station across the street in the woods. The same squirrels that Tim complains daily about on the show that pilfer food from his beloved bird feeder. The morning after my single-dom anniversary celebration of mirth and madness, I was witness to the aforementioned squirrels engaged in mating rituals. Though I'm normally unperturbed by my single-ness, I felt a twinge of jealousy. So, I yelled at them "Get a room!” They looked up at me for a second with an expression of annoyance as if to say, “Excuse me?!?” then continued on with their moment of raw animal husbandry.

As a single person, society and the trappings of media indoctrination has trained me to feel this way about my single-ness. I mean, look at Disney movies, which, unfortunately, I do quite a bit since not only am I single but a single dad whose kids love to go to these flicks. Whenever love is a focal point of the movie’s plot…which is about 95% of these vehicles…how many friggin’ animals are chasing each other? As least in Disney movies, they aren’t humping each other like crazed, sex starved rabbits on a mission to overpopulate the world. This is what Animal Planet on cable is for. This is why I don’t watch Animal Planet…I’d be throwing things at my TV.

You see, my problem with being single is that whenever I am interested in a woman, I wind up in the proverbial hell of single-dom known as “The Friend Zone”. And, of course, everyone around you has advice for you on how to beat this. Usually these well-meaning folk are younger that you and try to play themselves off as wise sages on the subject of getting the girl and having tons of sex. “You’ve gotta be the Alpha male, dude!” they say. Or “Let them pursue you.” No kidding! Having more years in the game than these wise sages for friends I’ve gone both routes, even using both in the same pursuit. Neither strategy has been a winner.

You can argue all you want…but men and women both want the same thing. The pinnacle of relationships. Finding a special person that is the perfect one, the perfect chemistry between the two of you, connection on all levels, and the most glorious sex two people could ever have for the rest of their natural lives. Dream on, people!!! In actuality our psyches tend to screw things up for us, thus rendering us clueless at times on how to pursue each other.

Guys tend to go overboard once they have experienced the “pretty parts” of a woman first-hand, and begin wearing their hearts on their sleeve, or as my uncle used to say, “…start thinking with the wrong head.” Then, blam! Women begin to think that all we want is the sex, even though deep down women do enjoy sex. And guys become all dejected and go home to porn and whiskey.

Or we tend to go after the wrong types. This usually is when we go after someone that doesn’t fit our criteria. Or someone who is not as into us as we first thought. The result? We then sabotage a potential good relationship that comes along with our fear that it will go bad. Then usually find a relationship that will eventually turn out bad. Problem here is once we wake up to this, the potential good relationship we blew off for the one we thought would be good, but went south, is now a gone prospect. Then we revert to spending the lonely evenings at home. Guys… booze and porn. Women…chocolate (or wine) and romance novels (or “chick flick” movie rentals)…which is just a woman’s version of booze and porn.

A guy meets a woman and they become friends. They get along great, go out on a social endeavor and wind up spending the night together. They seem to become close, until the dude expresses that always emotion-evoking sentiment “I love you”. Either in actual words or in actions. Then, all of a sudden it becomes a game of ying-yang. First she plays the “I’m just not that into you” card. Then the next moment spills her guts on what she wants in a relationship. Then, shazam! On to another guy and the first guy is given the silent treatment and treated like he’s not even a friend. Basically she’s stating to the first guy, “Well, now I have to find a new best friend." In my world that would tell me that I’m actually the one who needs to get a new best friend. Thanks for the heads-up. So much for the "got to be friends before you can be lovers" saying we've been fed by the likes of Delilah and other relationship experts.

So this weekend, I’m going to a Disney flick at the theater, and when the ‘love’ scenes come on, I’m throwing things at the screen. Then I’m taking a rifle to the station on Monday and have target practice on the frisky squirrels.

As my uncle used to say, “Women…you can’t live with ‘em, can’t live without ‘em, and you can’t shoot ‘em.”